You Have To Wonder

Good morning, hope everyone is enjoying their week.

It seems to me that there are a lot of upsetting things going on around the country these days, with tensions becoming quite elevated and people just getting all worked up into a frenzy. I am not sure that the people really have a reason for all this anger and madness, but it is causing quite a bit more tension within the rest of the population. Or that is what it seems to me.

My own heart cries out for everyone. I too have been quite angry, but have calmed down since yesterday. I have my own reasons, but yes, I was so angry yesterday that I did something I would not have thought I would do to people, but it wasn’t violent, it didn’t harm anyone, and I was able to release all the tensions that were built up inside of myself. It was satisfying, and I feel good today, even about what I did, and you know, that is why I am writing about it today.

Shark Stump

 

When you are surrounded by those who cause you grief, you feel trapped and feel like there is no way out. You are surrounded, feeling like you are sinking fast and will be eaten alive by those people, those vengeful people, who do not understand, who do not care, who seem to forget that you too have feelings and that they are smothering you and it seems like they are about to kill you. I am not talking about home life, although I am certain that some people are crushed or smothered by that as well, but what I am talking about is at the work place.

I need to lose weight, a lot of weight in my eyes, for the excess weight I carry is burdensome to me. It causes me enough grief that I don’t need anyone to remind me how big, heavy, fat, obese, or ‘put your own word here’…. but regardless, I need to see about getting onto a program and lose the excess weight I have on my body. There is actually a reason I am this heavy, self induced. Yes, it is self induced. Not an issue from society, I am not blaming all the easy to get to fast food places. I am not blaming my own genes. I am not blaming my parents. I am not blaming my wife. It is totally self induced.

I went through the course of my obesity, reviewing a lot of items over the past few days, where I had tried to read self-help books, other peoples books, I have read plans in order to lose the excess weight, I have read about all the pills out there on the market, most which do not work… or all which do not work.. that one is your call, for it seems some people do have luck with the pills. But back to what I read, in the medical journals and postings, which like all Internet items, you sort of have to take them with a grain of salt for they may or may not really be helpful are really written by the medical professions, but I think I read enough of them to figure out why I seem o struggle so hard with losing the excess weight.

There is more than one reason, and I will list them out:

  1. Stress – The number one cause for me and most others
  2. Laziness – The heavier you are the less likely you are to exercise
  3. Poor Eating Habits – Eating the wrong foods
  4. Dehydration – 98% of the people do not drink enough water

Now, with the above list, I know for a fact, after looking back, that my number one problem is stress.A Few Nice Words

I reviewed my life, going back to 2005, through journals I have written, yes, I keep journals of daily life, but back in 2005 I was happy and had lost quite a lot of weight, had concentrated on walking about 2 miles a day, lost about 50 pounds, and was actually feeling very good about myself. I was in a job that had stress, but controllable stress, and everything was looking good for me and like I said, I was happy.

Then, in 2007, just 8 years ago, I was offered a job at work, moving me from the blue collared represented work force to the white collar (sort of) supervisor force. I still work outside, in the heat and cold, but I have 11 people under me now, sometimes more, and of course, when you are ‘in charge’, that raises the stress level in the old body. I always handled stress before that year, and while I still do handle the stress, apparently it is a whole lot harder on me than I actually thought it was, but looking back I can see that it is very, very hard on me. I have had a couple of heart attacks, which may or may not have happened anyway, but regardless, I have had heart issues. I have insomnia, my mind just won’t shut down any more. And the number one issue…… I EAT TO RELIEVE THE TENSION!

I looked at it, and found that I eat a lot more at work than I do at home, including all the wrong foods, a lot of sugar, which I am not sure what sugar does to relieve tension and stress, but it does soothe me, and I eat a lot of the time do to stress. This is something I need to change, and change immediately. Yes, I need to also drink a lot more water, and also quit being so damn lazy, but mostly I need to get a grasp on the stress and quit eating my tensions away. I am handling… or not handling… the stress in the wrong way, so I need to figure out how to change that, how to get things under control, how to get my life back together and be who I am and not someone who is troubled by the things in my life.

So that brings me back to what I was saying at the first of the post. Why I was so angry and why I get angry…..

Well, over the past two days I realized, while working with some of the people at work, just how caustic and how the people who I work with love to point fingers in blame. While the things that happened were addressed and the verdict showed that I was NOT to blame, which I knew that was the case, but still, when someone points and screams, it is very stressful and the tensions inside of you build up rapidly. I have been working on diplomacy over the past year, and yes, I almost bit my tongue off a couple of times, but held my voice. These are people who claim to be GOD FEARING, church going people. Yet, they do not follow that which they CLAIM to believe in, apparently.

So, I killed them, killed them all……

I deleted all of them from my Facebook pages, even going through the activity log and deleting all the posts and likes that I had responded to them, blocked them all from sending friend requests, deleted them all from Twitter and from my phone. I killed them all… I do not want to be surrounded by A**HOLES and therefore I do not need them in my life. No, I am not angry anymore, actually my heart cries out for them to understand that they really are not who they claim to be, that all they need to do is be kind with their words, not blame and not create stress for others.

We all need to do the same……..

Heres To All The People

Author: Paul Reeves

Bicycler, general flunky, jack of all trades, yet master of none.

3 thoughts on “You Have To Wonder”

  1. Hugs to you Paul for having the courage to take care of yourself and get rid of stress in your life. We choose who we listen to or not. I too have deleted those from my Facebook “friends” who are hate mongers. Your post sounded like you were inside my mind as I also struggle with weight issues. Thanks for taking the time to vent out your emotions and let go. We are kindred spirits!

  2. Beautiful Soul, Paul

    I wish you’d told me what you’ve been going through. Granted, the pain level these past couple of weeks has been close to unbearable at times yet, I can still listen. I am here for you. I on your side always. You are not alone.

    Yes, you are right about people. It is, unfortunately, an ugly trait among unaware, unawake humans who have never looked to themselves to find the reason they feel intimidated or hatred toward any they feel are better than they are.

    Any time anyone resorts to using ugly hurtful words toward another, it is because they are desperately trying to feel better about themselves. Somewhere in the dark recesses of their tormented minds, they think that if they can knock you down with their words that they are somehow better. Truth is, it only proves how small, how ugly they really are, it proves how they feel about themselves. The ugliness they spewed at you belongs to them, not you. That’s the truth of it. Yet, it still hurts when people do that cruel thing. You do not deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

    You were doing great.. you were in great shape, very healthy, no weight problem, happy, physically active, and then, one piece of red meat to many… it had blocked your veins. You had a heart attack, you could have died.

    You changed from a physically active person, you stopped all physical activity. At first you watched your diet but then you returned back to normal. Normal calorie intake yet.. no physical activity. Of course, you gained weight! Add to this the normal physiological changes a man of your age goes through. It happens to everyone. All this, the heart attacks and physical changes due to age happened at the same time.

    Then, one year later you were returning back to your life, starting to do the things you used to do. We were in the back yard, near the concrete circle and you got very dizzy. You went back to just sitting in front of the computer. That was a scary time and I’m so happy it wasn’t your heart.

    So, here it is, 4 years after your heart attack and you are struggling with your weight. You are struggling with your will power. When a person almost dies, it changes everything, and it takes a while for a person to get back to themselves, sometimes they never do. Shame, shame on those ugly people at work for saying such cruel, ignorant things!

    Paul, beautiful soul… you may not be as thin as you were when you were younger, you may be a little overweight but you have the height to take it. If you looked like this when you were 40, or younger, people would run like hell from you because you look like someone who could take down the world heavy weight boxer! You don’t look fat to me.

    I know you are frustrated. But you don’t have to go through any of this alone. I am on your side, I am here for you. You are not alone.

    I think those guys at work are slime… slime, trying to get rid of the ugly slime within themselves by throwing it at you. The thing is, though, you are beautiful. Though those sub humans may try to get you to be as ugly as they are.. there is just no way it can happen.. You just aren’t stupid, nor are you sub-human like they are, your intellect far exceeds them all and because they can’t do better than you they throw ugly words at you, like grade school children do at recess.

    Fuck-em.. they can try to drag you down by spewing their internal ugliness at you and try to be the winner of their own internal battle…. but… You are not a part of their own private psychological inner battle and besides, everything about you…. your beautiful soul, your gentle and kind soul, your intellect, your bravery(you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever known) and your will (as strong as the Hoover Dam, as strong as the inner core of the earth, and as stuborn to, haha ) Everything about you…. far exceeds any of them. They don’t have the slightest idea how very amazing, beautiful… astounding you are. I do and I feel so happy, honored to know all of this about you.

    Fuck em.. they are insects under your boots. Who you are at work is proven. You’ve written all the books, guidelines.. none of them could have done this, you’ve created so much at work, know so much about the Units.. none of them, not one.. knows what you know. (maybe they are good at what they do, but none of them can do all the amazing things you do at work.) The people under you, trust you and do what you tell them to do… they learn more with you… you are amazingly good at what you do!

    Ugly people throwing ugly words.. if anyone was around when they did it, you have to know that these people looked at the speaker who spewed such un professional words at you and these people knew how petty and stupid, how childish the speaker is and how intimidated the speaker feels when he’s around you.. intimidated because you know so much, can do so much and he can’t, he’ll never be better than you and everyone knows it! If there were any listeners, they also know that person can not be trusted. Paul.. people who feel intimidated.. resort to name calling. So.. you are a little over weight.. is that really their business? They threw it at you to hurt you because there is nothing they can really do that is better than you… they are stuck in their mediocrity, and they hate that about themselves. Fuck em… Paul.. you are beautiful just the way you are!!! That ugly person is not worth the dust on your boots!

    I love you,
    Michelle

  3. Beautiful Soul, Paul

    I wish you’d told me what you’ve been going through. Granted, the pain level these past couple of weeks has been close to unbearable at times yet, I can still listen. I am here for you. I on your side always. You are not alone.

    Yes, you are right about people. It is, unfortunately, an ugly trait among unaware, unawake humans who have never looked to themselves to find the reason they feel intimidated or hatred toward any they feel are better than they are.

    Any time anyone resorts to using ugly hurtful words toward another, it is because they are desperately trying to feel better about themselves. Somewhere in the dark recesses of their tormented minds, they think that if they can knock you down with their words that they are somehow better. Truth is, it only proves how small, how ugly they really are, it proves how they feel about themselves. The ugliness they spewed at you belongs to them, not you. That’s the truth of it. Yet, it still hurts when people do that cruel thing. You do not deserve to be treated that way. No one does.

    You were doing great.. you were in great shape, very healthy, no weight problem, happy, physically active, and then, one piece of red meat to many… it had blocked your veins. You had a heart attack, you could have died.

    You changed from a physically active person, you stopped all physical activity. At first you watched your diet but then you returned back to normal. Normal calorie intake yet.. no physical activity. Of course, you gained weight! Add to this the normal physiological changes a man of your age goes through. It happens to everyone. All this, the heart attacks and physical changes due to age happened at the same time.

    Then, one year later you were returning back to your life, starting to do the things you used to do. We were in the back yard, near the concrete circle and you got very dizzy. You went back to just sitting in front of the computer. That was a scary time and I’m so happy it wasn’t your heart.

    So, here it is, 4 years after your heart attack and you are struggling with your weight. You are struggling with your will power. When a person almost dies, it changes everything, and it takes a while for a person to get back to themselves, sometimes they never do. Shame, shame on those ugly people at work for saying such cruel, ignorant things!

    Paul, beautiful soul… you may not be as thin as you were when you were younger, you may be a little overweight but you have the height to take it. If you looked like this when you were 40, or younger, people would run like hell from you because you look like someone who could take down the world heavy weight boxer! You don’t look fat to me.

    I know you are frustrated. But you don’t have to go through any of this alone. I am on your side, I am here for you. You are not alone.

    I think those guys at work are slime… slime, trying to get rid of the ugly slime within themselves by throwing it at you. The thing is, though, you are beautiful. Though those sub humans may try to get you to be as ugly as they are.. there is just no way it can happen.. You just aren’t stupid, nor are you sub-human like they are, your intellect far exceeds them all and because they can’t do better than you they throw ugly words at you, like grade school children do at recess.

    Fuck-em.. they can try to drag you down by spewing their internal ugliness at you and try to be the winner of their own internal battle…. but… You are not a part of their own private psychological inner battle and besides, everything about you…. your beautiful soul, your gentle and kind soul, your intellect, your bravery(you are one of the bravest people I’ve ever known) and your will (as strong as the Hoover Dam, as strong as the inner core of the earth, and as stuborn to, haha ) Everything about you…. far exceeds any of them. They don’t have the slightest idea how very amazing, beautiful… astounding you are. I do and I feel so happy, honored to know all of this about you.

    Fuck em.. they are insects under your boots. Who you are at work is proven. You’ve written all the books, guidelines.. none of them could have done this, you’ve created so much at work, know so much about the Units.. none of them, not one.. knows what you know. (maybe they are good at what they do, but none of them can do all the amazing things you do at work.) The people under you, trust you and do what you tell them to do… they learn more with you… you are amazingly good at what you do!

    Ugly people throwing ugly words.. if anyone was around when they did it, you have to know that these people looked at the speaker who spewed such un professional words at you and these people knew how petty and stupid, how childish the speaker is and how intimidated the speaker feels when he’s around you.. intimidated because you know so much, can do so much and he can’t, he’ll never be better than you and everyone knows it! If there were any listeners, they also know that person can not be trusted. Paul.. people who feel intimidated.. resort to name calling. So.. you are a little over weight.. is that really their business? They threw it at you to hurt you because there is nothing they can really do that is better than you… they are stuck in their mediocrity, and they hate that about themselves. Fuck em… Paul.. you are beautiful just the way you are!!! That ugly person is not worth the dust on your boots!

    I love you,
    Michelle

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